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Channel: School Counseling by Heart » individual counseling

The Wildflower Effect

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Friday morning a fifth grader burst into my office, threw himself into a chair, said, “I think I’m depressed!” and burst into tears. I think he’s right. Poor guy! He was inconsolable, really stuck in his unhappiness without knowing why. He just wanted to go home. Even though this friend has a hard time letting go of a plan once he’s made it (whether or not the adults think the plan is a good idea or if it’s even possible), I was hopeful that we could make things better enough that he could successfully return to the classroom. We were NOT going to head down the slippery slope of going home! We’ve got two more weeks of school to get through. (Those of you who are already or nearly done, please feel free to gloat.)

Talking was not doing it, he was not interested in his usual outlet of drawing, and the I-want-to-go home mantra was picking up steam. What to do, what to do? . . . June 1, sunny day, Vermont . . . we marched right out of my windowless office and headed outside for a walk. Well, I limped (still recovering from foot surgery) and he shuffled, but I did my best to channel marching energy for both of us.

The sunshine helped, and soon we were engaged in trying to determine which kind of grass had seed heads that were most satisfying to zip off. Mixed in with all the grasses, a variety of wildflowers were blooming. When I admired one, my friend picked it for me. By the time we got back to school I had a whole bouquet. We went to the office, ostensibly to search for a vase, but mostly because I figured my flowers would get a big reaction. Sure enough, the secretaries and the nurse gave my friend lots of attention and even feigned a little jealousy. He ducked his head and grinned. We took some pictures and sent them to his mom.

Seriously, aren’t these beautiful?!!!

With my wildflower bouquet arching over the middle of my table, we made a plan for the day and walked back up to class. We checked in at snack time and he drew me a picture. We sat together at the middle school presentation given by visiting sixth graders. His mom and I had a good conversation and appropriate medical and therapy appointments were set up. Ah sunshine and flowers and a garden path to happiness!

:: insert scratchy record sound to indicate that things are not going according to plan ::

Band was canceled. Multiplication columns were not lining up. Pencil points were breaking. Meds were wearing off. Other people’s learning was disrupted.

I met up with my friend as he was arriving in the main office, math paper and un-pointy, eraserless pencil in hand. I told him to come with me into my room, where it would be more private. But no, he was supposed to go to the office, so couldn’t possibly go anywhere else. After somehow convincing him that I was in charge of the universe and therefore had the power to modify go-to-the-office orders (which was confirmed with exaggerated head nodding by the secretaries, who were glad to see us go), we headed into my office  . . .

. . . where the wildflowers were absolutely no help at all! Now we had paper crumpling, pencil point re-breaking, muttering about the audacity of teachers who offer to help and classmates who invite you to sit with them, obsessing about how he was never going to get this done (no kidding, if you keep breaking your pencil!), and catastrophizing about how this probably meant the end of his career as a bus patrol member. I pulled the vase closer to us. (I really did. Unsubtle, magical thinking, I know, but NOTHING was working!)

Have I mentioned that this one hour was the one potential space of catch-up time I had had all week? I have to admit, I kind of wanted to engage in a little obsessive muttering myself, and the idea of crumpling up my to-do pile was starting to look appealing.

In the space of that one last hour of school we managed to get through three multiplication problems (his agenda, not mine!), and to come to the realization that just because bus patrol was not in the cards today, that didn’t mean that it was lost forever. At 2:30 we walked back up to class (one of us glowering at the kids who were doing bus patrol) to pack up for the trip home. He was kind-of-sort-of able to process with the teacher — he stood still, listened, and grunted in response anyway –  which was as good as it was going to get.

The kids left. The teacher and I processed and bemoaned and gave thanks for the weekend. I went back downstairs to my office and there were my wildflowers, lovely still, even though they were beginning to droop.

Wildflowers don’t last long once you pick them. I will probably find petals and pollen and seeds littering my table when I go back to school tomorrow. Their beauty lasts only a short time, but the moments of joy that come from giving and receiving a bouquet of them echo long after they have died. Wildflowers reseed themselves and grow along our path without anyone having to do anything about it. And they are there again, waiting for us to find them. I’ll probably be looking again tomorrow.


All Pirates Cry. And So Do I.

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It’s been something of a sob-fest around here recently. Last Friday, on our last day of school, the fifth grade boys in particular had a very hard time. Two of them burst into tears and could not finish reading their poems during the graduation celebration. Afterwards, the guy who ALMOST NEVER stops being silly was sobbing, as was a boy who is moving, and the boy who doesn’t like to show any feeling other than annoyance. The boy who is probably the coolest of them all threw himself into my arms before I even knew he was headed my way. Several others teared up over the course of the day and, for a few of them, crying recurred over the course of the day. It provided a great opportunity for everyone else to practice empathy and compassion, which they did beautifully, even with those who were not particular friends. You know the ASCA National Standard  PS:A1.5 – Identify and express feelings? Check!

Luckily, I have a great book about crying, which I will tell you about. But first, some more tears . . .

Since then it’s been my turn to headline the sob-fest. That night was the high school graduation, at which a former student, who died while she was in our fourth grade, was honored. I was seated two rows behind her mom and could only watch through my own choking tears as she sobbed. Yesterday was the last day of school for teachers. We have a record number of staff members leaving our school this year – two classroom teachers, a PE teacher, and a secretary retiring; a classroom teacher, special educator, SLP, OT, and my co-counselor scattering across the country because of their husbands’ jobs; a teacher moving into administration in a different district; and an administrator relocating to the middle school. I have worked closely with all of them, and some of them are my very good friends. In addition, a former intern who has been working in a nearby district, and who is a dear friend, is also moving far away for her husband’s fellowship (What is up with these husbands and their jobs?!!!) I had delayed writing my goodbye notes until the morning (still in denial until the last minute), but it didn’t do anything to prevent the crying I was trying to avoid. I pulled myself together to drive to school, but then started in again as soon as I got there and began passing out the notes.

Let me tell you, people get all kinds of uncomfortable when they see a usually composed and unflappable school counselor losing it — kind of like kids seeing their parent crying! People were doing their best to comfort me, but I could tell that their universes were wobbling a bit.  And it wasn’t just me! On the last day of school, my co-counselor, Erica, went into a fourth grade classroom to say goodbye. The kids were watching Finding Nemo.  A paraprofessional saw Erica tearing up and said teasingly, “Having a touching moment?” thinking that she was reacting to Nemo being lost. That was it for Erica, and she really started crying! The teacher whispered, “She’s sad because she’s leaving,” and the poor para almost folded himself in half with chagrin and horror. Erica and I have since had some good laughs (we’re pretty much cried out by now) about how silly we felt and our “excellent modelling” of emotional expression, and she even suggested that I include her Finding Nemo story in this post.

Yesterday I bid goodbye to dear teacher friends (the sad farewells began a week and a half ago when our very pregnant OT left so that she could be in her new, faraway home before her baby arrives). This afternoon it was farewell to my former intern and her sweet baby. Tomorrow morning at our annual district counselors’ breakfast we will send off Erica and two other counselors from the district. Then I’ll head back to school where I will be greeted by Erica’s empty office. Sad, sad, sad!

Among my tasks tomorrow is re-shelving some of my books. One of my favorites is Tough Boris by Mem Fox. Boris Von Der Borch is a mean, ornery, greedy, bullying pirate captain, the leader of a scurvy, scruffy crew. He is the toughest of the tough, not someone you would expect to show fragility or weakness, “but when his parrot died, he cried and cried.” Boris is comforted by a stowaway who offers his violin case for a parrot burial at sea, at which all the pirates openly grieve. The pictures in this book are beautiful and invite careful exploration and discovery. They even reveal a subplots about loneliness, wanting to belong, and mercy that is never stated in words. The prose is spare but musical and evocative. The book ends with one of my favorite lines (in fact, I used it as my personal Facebook status yesterday):

“All pirates cry. And so do I.”

Tough Boris is a great book to share with kids who are hesitant to express their sadness or to use to normalize and start a discussion about grief. Examining the pictures can provide a safe, slow approach for kids who need to ease into the topic of sadness or grief. And I guarantee, not even your toughest young customer will dismiss Boris as a weakling. He REALLY has an angry mask. (See my post What’s Behind the Angry Mask? for more info about the angry mask.) When he takes his mask away, though, he is a great role model for how to let go of a tough shell and express pain. The book is meant for younger children, but kids right up through fifth grade like it a lot. It’s also a great book to read as an introduction to the Angry Mask concept (3rd grade and up), or as an introduction to, and model for, writing about sadness (2nd grade or late 1st). Here’s an example:

Mrs. Lallier was smiley. All counselors are smiley. Mrs. Lallier was comforting. All counselors are comforting. Mrs. Lallier was brave. All counselors are brave. But when her friends moved away, she cried and cried. All counselors cry. And so do I.

Sniff, sniff.  I will really miss my friends, who I love so dearly. But guess what! New teachers and a new co-counselor are on their way to our school. And maybe there will be. . . new friends, new joys, and new opportunities to open my heart enough to risk it breaking a little.

My Absolutely, Positively Most Favorite Counseling Game of All Time Throughout Eternity (So Far)

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Did you get the idea from the title of this post that I might be talking about a game I kind of like?

I have a good collection of board games and card games in my office, but my hands down favorite — and the kids’ favorite too – is Max. It is no exaggeration to say that it is the most beloved game on my shelf! You should get it! Seriously! You can get it for less than $12 (at Funagain Games, or for a little more at Amazon), which is a rarity for any game, much less a game that is so applicable to the work that we do with kids. Here’s the spiel that I give to kids before they play the first time:

“Max is a cat. He’s not a bad cat, he just does what cats do — he tries to catch little animals. We have to work together to get the mouse, chipmunk, and bird to their safe places in the tree before Max catches them.”

Max is the best counseling game ever!

    • it helps kids learn basic social skills like cooperating, taking turns, passing the dice, and only touching the pieces when it’s their turn
    • kids get immediate feedback if they are too impulsive
    • kids have to slow down and pay attention, or Max will catch an animal
    • players have to work together to be successful
    • players have to consider and weigh risks
    • it involves constant discussion about safety
    • kids practice  encouraging others, accepting differing choices, and withholding blame when others make mistakes
    • kids practice handling their disappointment with themselves when their inattentiveness or impulsivity causes an animal’s demise
    • it encourages empathy and helping others who need our help
    • Max is kind of a bully, and the kids get to be the bystanders who make sure that the bullying stops

Max has been at the center of some really profound sessions I have had with kids who feel out of control and unsafe. Often these kids will want to take the side of Max and kill off the animals. That’s pretty easy to do if you don’t use the treats to call him back, so the game ends quickly, which allows another round to be played. If an animal is in any danger when it’s my turn, I always call Max back saying, “I’m going to call Max back so the Chipmunk (or whoever) will be safe.” When the kid decides to risk an animal’s safety I say, “Are you sure? Max might eat him,” and then simply “Okay,” without other comment. I have never had a kid who goes after the animals more than twice. Actually, I can’t remember any situation when somebody did this more than once, but there must have been! Once is generally enough, though, even with the characters who are most likely to enjoy a little board game carnage. I’m not sure why this is, but I think it has something to do with the power of having control of their “own” safety. Kids don’t usually notice right away, because the pictures are small, but in the animals’ safe places in the tree are their babies. The kids are always surprised – the mouse, chipmunk, and bird are cute, and it’s easy to assume that they are young. When they realize that, in fact, the animals have others who are depending on them, their commitment to keeping them safe deepens. They go from identifying with the predator and/or taking dangerous risks to keeping “themselves” safe, to ensuring their own safety so that others will be okay.

Max works well in small groups, even when lunch trays are in the mix, and in individual counseling sessions. I regularly play it with first grade and up (although not during lunch with first graders), and it’s fine for some kindergartners. Here’s a video about how to play Max. The reviewer is a parent, so he doesn’t speak to how well this games works in a counseling setting, but you will get a good look at the game itself and how it works.

Max is one of a number of cooperative games created by Jim Deacove of Family Pastimes. I have a number of them, and they’re all really good. I don’t know or have any connection to Jim or this company, but I think his work is simply amazing. I am sure I will share more about these games (and others) in future posts.

What are some of your favorite games to use in counseling?

A Post-It Note Happy Ending

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One of the most widely-read posts on School Counseling by Heart is Post-It Note Counseling, which outlines a technique that I use in individual counseling sessions to help kids who are reluctant to talk about how they are feeling. I use Post-It Note counseling all the time, to great effect. I think others must be using it too, because fairly frequently it pops up on my Pinterest page, so far removed from the original pin that I think it must have circumnavigated the globe before arriving back here! (Luckily, it still links back to School Counseling by Heart!). Since my last two posts, Teaching Kids to Tell About Sexual Abuse and Using Data to Teach About Sexual Abuse Prevention, are part of a series focused on a heavy, difficult subject, I thought it would be nice to take a little happier-topic break and update you about how my sessions with the student featured in Post-It Note Counseling progressed.

Although she was initially too shut down to talk about her feelings, using the Post-It notes helped this student identify thirteen uncomfortable feelings. No wonder she was having such a hard time!

The student chose to arrange her feelings from left to right: “gigantic” to “huge” to “big” to “medium-large” to “medium.”

She also chose to label the intensity of the feelings with smaller post-it notes.

In our following sessions, we pulled out her Post-It notes to check in and assess how things were going, and went through them one by one to come up with strategies she could use to address them. Eight weeks later, she was doing really well. Her family was very supportive and had gotten additional help for her. I asked her if she wanted to put her feelings on Post-It notes, and she grinned and nodded. Here’s how she was feeling:

Happy. Proud. Successful. Satisfied. Brave. Confident. This was a moment to treasure! I was feeling all of those feelings too!

Post-It note counseling works just as well when you want your student to look at their successes and how far they’ve come as it does when you need to help them talk about difficult feelings. This girl felt pretty good when we started the session, but she was positively beaming when she could see and touch and move her new feelings. She decided to throw the original set of uncomfortable feeling Post-It notes into the recycle bin, turned back and hugged me, and proudly took the new ones with her. She wanted to keep them in her desk, to remind herself of how hard she had worked and how brave she is.

It was a very good day.

Have you used Post-It note counseling? What techniques do you use to help kids identify their successes?

You might also be interested in:

Post-It Note Counseling

Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming

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When thinking about perpetrators of child sexual abuse, many people picture an image of a creepy stranger. Parents and schools generally do a pretty good job of teaching their kids about “stranger danger.” But this is not where most of the danger lies. The vast majority of sexual abusers are known to the children they target, so it is incumbent upon us to teach kids not only how to respond when an uncomfortable or dangerous situation arises, but also how to recognize when danger is approaching.

In a previous post in this series about sexual abuse prevention, I wrote about how Using Data to Teach About Sexual Abuse Prevention can help kids understand that most sexual abusers are people that the kids already know. In Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse I shared some scenarios that you can use to help kids gain awareness about “tricks” and that they need to tell a trusted adult about confusing situations, even if nothing bad has happened yet. This post will cover how to teach kids how to recognize grooming, the subtle, gradual, and escalating process that sexual abusers use to build “trust” with kids, and often also with their caretakers. (I always use written or gestured quotations around the word “trust” in this context to help kids understand the difference between real trust and fake trust.)

We want our kids to be aware that they need to be careful with everyone, even people that they care about, but don’t want them to be so unduly frightened or anxious about the possibility of being hurt that they avoid developing trusting relationships with safe adults. It’s a fine line, and one that makes teaching about grooming a somewhat daunting task. And there aren’t a lot of easily accessible resources out there to help us how to do so! For me, figuring out the best way to teach about this has been an evolving process, and I’m sure I’ll continue to improve and expand upon my lessons (and I’ll keep sharing when I do), but here are some strategies and information that I currently use to teach kids about sexual abuse grooming. I use these lessons in the classrooms and also, when appropriate, with individual students.

Two fifth graders made this poster about grooming “tricks” at the conclusion of our personal safety unit.

Define Grooming. I explain that often when people are talking about grooming they mean “cleaning up,” like combing your hair, washing your face, or making sure that your clothing is on correctly.  We talk about how grooming also means “getting ready” – you would get ready for having your school picture taken by making sure that your hair, face, and clothes were all set. In the same way, sexual abusers groom kids they want to abuse by getting them ready to abuse.

Groomers Choose Their Targets Carefully. Groomers don’t want to caught, so they target kids who they think won’t tell or say no. They try to pick kids that they will someday get a chance to spend time alone with.

Grooming Takes Time. Abusers do not just walk up to kids and say, “I want to touch your private parts” because they know the kid will probably say “No!” They want to abuse kids, but they don’t want to scare the kid away too soon, and they don’t want to get caught, so they build invisible “traps,” kind of like spider webs, in the hope that the kid won’t notice until they’ve already been caught. Lots of kids have good background knowledge of prey animals from watching animal shows on TV. I often ask if they can think of an animal who sets up traps. This help them make connections that help build their understanding about grooming.

Groomers Use Tricks. Grooming is a subtle (hard to notice), gradual (slow), and escalating (more and worse over time) process of building “trust” with a kid and often the kid’s parent or other caretaker. (I always use written and gestured quotation marks around the word “trust” in this context, to highlight that it’s not real trust.) Grooming tricks include:

  • Fake Trustworthiness – pretending to be the kid’s friend in order to gain their trust
  • Testing Boundaries - jokes, roughhousing, back rubs, tickling, or sexualized games (pants-ing, truth or dare, strip games, etc.)
  • Touch – from regular, mostly comfortable non-sexual touch to “accidental” touch of private parts, often over time
  • Intimidation – using fear, embarrassment, or guilt to keep a kid from telling
  • Sharing sexual material – capitalizing on a kid’s natural curiosity to normalize sexual behavior by showing pictures, videos, text messages, photos, websites, notes, etc. of a sexual nature
  • Breaking Rules - encouraging a kid to break rules, which establishes secret-keeping as part of the relationship and can be used as blackmail in the future
  • Drugs and Alcohol - breaking the rules (see above) and/or making kids less able to stop the abuse because they’re under the influence of the substance
  • Communicating Secretly – texting, emailing, or calling in an unexpected way (parents don’t know about it, it happens a lot, the kid is told to keep it a secret)
  • Blaming and Confusing – making the kid feel responsible for the abuse or what could happen to the kid, his/her family, or the abuser if the kid tells

For all of these tricks I give examples of what an abuser might say or do at different stages in the grooming process, pointing out how it might be hard to recognize at first, the gradual pace, and how it escalates over time.

Although I try to build in the concepts of “tricking,” secrets, and using sexual material to harness kids’ natural curiosity at all grade levels, I specifically taught the above material with this exact language to fifth graders last year. It went so well that I am going to use it with fourth graders this year, although I may adapt it a bit. I will update you about how it goes.

A pair of fifth graders chose to include information about grooming and data about sexual abusers in this poster they made at the conclusion of our personal safety unit.

A great resource for teaching kids of all ages about grooming is Mia’s Secret by Peter Ledwon and Marilyn Mets. Mia is a young girl who is groomed by her mom’s friend, who plays with her and gives her a board game as a gift. (if you look carefully at the illustration you will see the game is called “Snake Pit.”) After a while he asks her to play another kind of game with him – the abuse – and then during subsequent events when she tries to resist, he uses the groomer’s tricks of cajoling by saying things like “But I played your game . . . I thought we were friends,” making her promise to keep the game a secret, and finally threatening her. The abuse stops when Mia figures out that she can get around her promise not to tell by telling her stuffed bear, Tikki, who then “tells” her mom.

Mia’s Secret is a wonderful, must-have book. It covers the importance of telling when there are secrets about touching or you are hurt, how to tell even if you can’t find the words or have promised not to, and is the best picture book I have ever seen that addresses grooming so clearly and so well. It is truly a book you can read with kids every year, because the content is deep and rich, and they will discover something new each time. I use it in third grade to very directly discuss grooming, and it’s a great review for them about secrets and how to tell.

Whenever I’m teaching about sexual abuse I give a heads-up in advance to the class and often also to individual kids who have previously talked to me about having been abused. At the beginning of each lesson I tell kids that they can talk to me any time privately about any of this information. Almost always, a child wants to talk to me after class or later in the day. Sometimes they are disclosing abuse for the first time, but more often they want to talk about a past abuse again, or tell me about a connection that they made between their experience and the lesson. (I later report and/or talk to a parent/guardian as appropriate to that particular situation.)

After teaching lessons on grooming, I have had kids tell me things like, “That is exactly how it happened!” or “He said _________ and gave me __________.” They always say this with strong voices with a tone that indicates they are outraged by the injustice. Their feelings of empowerment seem to outweigh their feelings of shame and powerlessness. So here’s another important reason to teach about grooming: Not only can it help prevent or stop sexual abuse, it can also help kids who have been sexually abused feel less responsible for what happened to them!

For more information about grooming (also good to share with parents) check out  Child Sexual Abuse: 6 Stages of Grooming by Dr. Michael Weiner.

More in this series about sexual abuse prevention coming soon. I hope you’ll let me know what you do to help kids learn about sexual abuse prevention and grooming.

You might also be interested in . . .

A Collection of Resources for Sexual Abuse Prevention

Coloring Book Helps Kids Learn About Sexual Abuse Prevention

Using Data to Teach About Sexual Abuse Prevention

Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse

I’ve Got a Secret . . .

Shrinking the Hurt

“I Got Safe So Quickly!”: How Kids Feel After Telling About Sexual Abuse

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In the days after a student discloses abuse, I always touch base to see how things are going. I tell them (again) how brave they were and how proud of them I am. Unfortunately, not all of these stories have happy endings, but in many cases, telling helps kids find safety, and they feel protected, empowered, and proud of themselves. Some of the most profoundly moving moments of my career as a school counselor have come when kids have told me about how telling made such a difference in how they are feeling about their situations and about themselves. Here is some of what they have told me (and how I plan to use their words to help other kids too):

“I went from not feeling so brave to feeling REALLY brave!”

“It was a little hard telling people but I think it was definitely a good thing that I did that because it was for my safety.”

“Now I feel like I can stick up for myself.”

“It’s hard to show how excited I am – telling worked!”

“I’m so proud that I was so brave. It really helped because my dad was so proud of me and you are so proud of me.”

“I’m so proud I want to jump up and down!”

In a Post-it Note Counseling session, one child chose the following emotions to explain how she was feeling the day after disclosing (a safety plan had been put into place by protective services.) Interestingly, she talked about her comfortable feelings first before even being interested in looking at the list of uncomfortable feelings.

Relieved – because I actually got to be with my [protective parent]. I thought I’d have to stay at my [non-protective parent]‘s and be around [abuser]. 

Brave – because of everything I had to do and say.

Glad – that I’m in a safer place.

Proud – I told people and I really am happy that I did what I did.

Happy – I actually got away from feeling very weird when I was there, like something would happen.

Excited – I get to see my [protective parent], [partner], and dog and cat more. I have them all the time if I need them.

Surprised – I actually got to go with my [protective parent]. I got safe so quickly!

Supported – people are there for me.

Stressed – that was a lot yesterday.

Torn – I won’t see my [non-protective parent] as much but I will get to see my [protective parent] more.

Guilty – I’m 50/50 on guilty because I won’t get to see [non-protective parent] as much, but it was the right thing for me to do.

It was a good sign that she felt in control even about the uncomfortable feelings! “Stressed” was about yesterday, and “torn” and “guilty” were balanced by a positive result. This kid was really resilient! And I think that the experience of taking an action that stopped the abuse – telling an adult that she trusted – helped her become even more so.

Using Kids’ Words to Help Other Kids Learn to Tell

When I teach sexual abuse prevention classroom lessons I always tell the students that when kids tell, they help themselves get safe and feel better. The books that I use send the same message, and I think the kids understand this. But this year when I teach my sexual abuse prevention lessons, I’m also going to incorporate what kids who have been there have to say. Students always sit up and listen a little harder when they know that what they are hearing actually happened in “real life.” I will do this as part of a lesson on telling. This lesson is appropriate for grades 3 and up. See below for how you can adapt this lesson or introduce the concept for younger children.

1. Prior to the lesson: Cut apart “I Told” notes and fold into quarters. The linked page has nine notes. Copy enough pages so that there is a note for each student. You may choose to create more notes if you wish (I might) but it would also be powerful to have the messages within the notes repeated. You can download a copy for yourself by clicking here.


2. Discuss ways that an abuser might try to trick kids into NOT telling. (See Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming.)

3. Practice different ways to tell, verbally and non-verbally. (See Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse.)

4. Explain to students that you have some messages for them from real (but unidentified) kids who made the abuse stop by telling an adult that they trusted about it.

5. Distribute notes. Have students unfold and read their notes, one by one, without commenting in between.

6. Have students share their thoughts and feelings about the notes and the messages that they contained.

 7. Ask students what they thought about this activity and if (and why) they recommend doing it with next year’s classes. I like to do this in order to get feedback, to assess my students’ learning, and even more importantly, because by answering the “why” question, the students are essentially teaching me and others about the topic. We all know how helpful teaching is to learning!

You can adapt this lesson (or introduce the concept) by using the coloring page below, from Very Important People, which was developed by McKenzie Roman of the YWCA of Kalamazoo to complement this lesson.

Screen Shot 2013-01-19 at 9.28.30 AM

 

I hope you find this information and lesson plan helpful. I’d love to hear what you do to teach sexual abuse prevention and if (and how) you might use any of the ideas that I’ve shared in this series of posts about sexual abuse prevention. Thanks!

You might also be interested in . . .

A Collection of Sexual Abuse Prevention Resources

Coloring Book Helps Kids Learn About Sexual Abuse Prevention

Using Data to Teach Sexual Abuse Prevention

Teaching Kids How to Tell About Sexual Abuse 

Teaching Kids to Recognize Grooming 

Post-it Note Counseling

F is for Success, Not Failure

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Screen Shot 2013-01-27 at 7.27.41 PMI never know what I’m going to find in the mailbox outside my office door. It could be a request for help, a thank-you note, a picture, a detailed description of what went on at recess (can you say third grade girls?), a mushed up cupcake, or one of the flurry of notes I get about nothing much once first graders discover how exciting it is to deposit their missives in my mailbox. “Can I help you with something?” I ask. Often the answer is, “No. I’m just writing you a note.” And sometimes I get something like this:

F this scool. Get me out of hear know.

Screen Shot 2013-01-27 at 7.27.41 PMNo, I didn’t write this myself, although I have to admit, sometimes I come pretty close to sharing the author’s sentiment. But it did crack me up! Why would I laugh? Well, first because it’s funny (I am easily amused.) And secondly, because it represented a huge step for the writer. In earlier days these words would have been shouted, and accompanied by either a desk-clearing sweep of the arm or a noisy, dramatic attempt to leave the building. In even earlier days they wouldn’t even have been uttered at all – something would have been thrown (perhaps even a punch) and pretty soon I’d be under a desk or peeking under a beanbag chair, trying to coax my friend into calming down and coming with me.

Also, his spelling is really coming along! And how about that sunshine-y sun in the corner?!!!

But this day, when I went to find him, only a short time after he had left the note, there he was, calmly sitting at his desk and participating in the class activity. When I told him I had gotten his note, he said, “Oh, I’m fine now. I was mad, so I wrote it and took it to your room, and it calmed me down.”

Halleluia! Five years of (almost daily) intensive supports and interventions, yet still lots and lots of issues – “Ta-da!” Magic! I am keeping this note FOREVER!!! 

The note hasn’t made it to my “love notes” file yet. It’s still in my desk drawer, right next to my favorite pen, and it gives me a smile every time I see it. And besides, it might come in handy. I told my principal that if he ever sees me storming in his direction with a little green note, he better hang on to his hat and do whatever it is I’m asking for!

So when you’re discouraged because you’ve been working and working and working and things seem like they’re never going to get better, give yourself (and your student) an A for effort, and an F for figuring it out, because you are, even if it doesn’t always quite feel that way!

Or blow off a little steam and quote my friend, although you better keep that one in your thinking bubble!

You might also be interested in . . . 

The Wildflower Effect    

Hopelessness Drove Us Up the Wall: And There We Found Hope

A Post-it Note Happy Ending

School Counselors, Meet the Common Core!

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Screen Shot 2013-02-03 at 10.04.52 AMYou work hard every day to help kids communicate clearly, solve problems, collaborate, gain independence, understand others’ perspectives and cultures, and become college and career ready. You facilitate discussion in one-on-one, small group, and whole-class settings. Depending on the grade levels you cover, it’s likely that you read books with kids, help students prepare for college or job interviews (or disciplinary hearings!), help them interpret assessments or other data to make decisions, and provide guidance about writing application essays. So guess what! You’re probably already on your way to addressing the Common Core State Standards. Here’s some information to help you better understand what the Common Core standards are all about, and how you can integrate them into your practice to improve student learning and build system-wide support for your school counseling program.   

The Common Core State Standards (CCSS) outline what all students, K-12, are expected to know and be able to do in the areas of English Language Arts (ELA) and Math in order to be well prepared for college and career demands. Although they focus on ELA and Math, the standards are to be addressed in all content areas.  Technology and media skills (critical analysis and production) are integrated throughout the standards. The CCSS have been fully adopted by 45 states (all but Alaska, Nebraska, Texas, Virginia, and Minnesota, which has adopted the ELA standards only), the District of Columbia, four out of five U.S. territories (Guam, the U.S. Virgin Islands, American Samoa Islands, Northern Mariana Islands, but not Puerto Rico), and the Department of Defense Education Activity. Their adoption in our schools provides an opportunity for school counselors to underscore the relevance of our work to student learning, gain support for comprehensive school counseling programs, and strengthen our efforts to help students become college and career ready.

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States and territories in yellow have fully adopted the Common Core Standards, as has the Department of Defense Education Activity. Minnesota has adopted only the ELA standards.

The Common Core ELA standards are applicable to our work in classroom, group, and individual settings, and if we skillfully incorporate them into our work, we can expand the possibilities for collaboration with teachers and integration of our field’s academic, career, and personal/social goals into other subjects. (K-5 Math standards are not applicable to school counseling. Middle and high school counselors may be able to integrate math standards relating to understanding and using data.) The ELA standards are divided into the areas of Reading, Writing, Speaking and Listening, and Language. School counselors can most readily address Speaking and Listening and Reading and, in some cases, Writing. I will share ways to do so in future posts.

The Common Core State Standards Initiative states:   

“The Standards insist that instruction in reading, writing, speaking, listening, and language be a shared responsibility within the school. The K–5 standards include expectations for reading, writing, speaking, listening, and language applicable to a range of subjects, including but not limited to ELA.”  

“Literacy standards for grade 6 and above are predicated on teachers of ELA, history/social studies, science, and technical subjects using their content area expertise to help students meet the particular challenges of reading, writing, speaking, listening, and language in their respective fields.”      

 Take a look at the expected outcomes of the ELA CCSS:     

 Students who are College and Career Ready: demonstrate independence, build strong content knowledge, respond to the varying demands of audience, task, purpose, and discipline, comprehend as well as critique, value evidence, use technology and digital media strategically and capably, understand other perspectives and cultures. – Common Core State Standards Initiative     

Now look at a sampling of ASCA National Standards:      

  • A:A2.3  Use communications skills to know when and how to ask for 
help when needed 
  • A:B1.2  Learn and apply critical-thinking skills 
  • A:B1.5  Organize and apply academic information from a variety of 
sources  
  • A:B1.7  Become a self-directed and independent learner  
  • A:B2.2  Use assessment results in educational planning (ELA & Math CCSS)  
  • C:A1.1  Develop skills to locate, evaluate and interpret career information  
  • C:A1.4  Learn how to interact and work cooperatively in teams   
  • C:B1.5  Use research and information resources to obtain career 
information    
  • PS:A1.5  Identify and express feelings  
  • PS:A2.1  Recognize that everyone has rights and responsibilities
  • PS:A2.2  Respect alternative points of view    
  • PS:A2.3  Recognize, accept, respect and appreciate individual 
differences    
  • PS:A2.4  Recognize, accept and appreciate ethnic and cultural 
diversity    
  • PS:A2.5  Recognize and respect differences in various family 
configurations    
  • PS:A2.6  Use effective communications skills  
  • PS:A2.7  Know that communication involves speaking, listening and nonverbal behavior    

Many possible connections, don’t you think?!!!!      

So where should a school counselor (or school counselor-in-training) begin?          

1.  Familiarize yourself with the CCSS for the grade levels that you cover. A good starting place would be the Speaking and Listening Standards. You can access the CCSS at the Common Core State Standards Initiative Website, by downloading the iOS, Android, or Windows Common Core app, and I’m sure there are hard copies kicking around your school. If you are a Twitter user, you can follow #CCSS.

2.  Keep track of Common Core initiatives and trainings in your school and district, especially those related to Speaking and Listening and Reading and any kind of technology integration. Even if you’re not able to attend these trainings, ask for access to handouts, slides, or presentations as well as pertinent links and other resources.

3.  If you’re feeling really adventurous, offer to serve on your school or district’s common core coordinating committee. That’ll impress them!  

4.  If you’re currently a grad student or are considering a move to a new school, I highly suggest you immerse yourself in CCSS, and be ready to discuss how you are/will be integrating them into your school counseling work.  

5.  Stay tuned! I’ll have more about how you can integrate the CCSS into your school counseling practice and program coming up soon. 

Call me crazy, but I think the possibilities for increased collaboration and strengthening of counseling programs is all pretty exciting, even if it does mean a steep learning curve. Maybe that’s because I always love a challenge and the opportunity for some creativity — or maybe I’m just nuts!

CCSS = Crazy Counselor Should Slowdown?  Counselor Consistently Shuns Sleep?  Collaborative Counseling Satisfies Students?  Comprehensive Counseling Simple Steps.

Okay, okay, I’ll stop now. 

You might also be interested in:

Spiraling Bullying Prevention 

Book Studies: They Learn, You Assess 

Responding to a “Perfect Storm” of Bullying


“Be Your Own You” Self-Esteem Resource

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Screen Shot 2013-12-01 at 9.04.27 PMThere’s a new resource in my office, a favorite of my fifth grade girls. It’s BYOU “Be Your Own You” Magazine, which aims to encourage healthy self-esteem in girls. The bimonthly issue of BYOU focuses on a theme: bullying prevention, positive friendships, loving yourself, happiness, etc.  BYOU is a great resource - you can use the magazines themselves in group and individual settings, or as inspiration for classroom, group, and individual activities for girls and boys.

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BYOU issues explore healthy, esteem-enhancing themes through articles, positive celebrity interviews, activities, advice, empowering fiction, puzzles and quizzes, and the features “Girls Making a Difference” and “BYOU Honors Inspiring Women.”

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Yes, there’s a requisite “beauty” column (“Beauty’s Tips” – Beauty is a fictional character), but it’s different from any other I have seen: it focuses on inner as well as outer beauty, with outer beauty equated with health. For example,  “Beauty’s Tips” for the B-Happy issue is  “Getting Your Smile On.”  The inner beauty side of the page talks about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones and the outer beauty side talks about oral hygiene. “Beauty’s Tips” from the Love You! issue is “Glow With the Flow.” It encourages girls to visualize different aspects of water as a way to get in touch with their emotions (inner beauty), and the importance of staying hydrated (outer beauty).

Real girls are included in the magazine too, and they provide great examples to use in self-esteem and leadership groups.

photo-43In a current group I’ll be sharing the What Does It Mean to Me to Be Your Own You? pages and having the kids come up with their own magazine layout with their responses to these BYOU prompts:

  • Three words that describe me
  • Dream job
  • Favorite subject
  • Favorite color
  • Favorite food
  • Hobbies
  • I’m really good at
  • What makes me unique is
  • How I want to change the world
  • Self-esteem tip and/or quote for other kids

photo-44I first learned about BYOU when we received a gift copy from willUstand and Charleigh Gere, who was featured in the bullying prevention issue, and who performed her song “Stand” at our school’s Unity Day assembly. I loved it, ran it by some 5th grade guinea pigs, who devoured it, and wanted to learn more. Full disclosure: I received four back issues of BYOU for free in exchange for reviewing it. My conclusion: It’s definitely worth purchasing ($17.97/year; $3.95/issue) for my (and your) counseling program. I’ve also asked our librarian to purchase a subscription for the school, and have recommended it to parents.

Screen Shot 2013-12-01 at 9.05.48 PMYou might also be interested in:

Treasure Boxes, Treasured Friends 

A Post-it Note Happy Ending 

SuperCounselor is Thankful For . . .   

All Pirates Cry. And So Do I.  

Introduce Conflict Resolution with The Zax

Where Do I Begin? Identifying Behavioral Targets

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we Raise your hand if you’ve ever worked with a kid whose behavior was complicated. Yeah, I thought so. Now, raise your hand if you’ve ever had staff describe behaviors using terms like “disrespectful,” “rude,” “unfocused,” or any other vague descriptors and then wanted you to be able to fix everything quickly. Raise your hand one more time if you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to begin! Join the club! We’ve all been there. I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve had a conversation like this:

we

Behavior IS complicated, and figuring out how to help kids change it is challenging. One of the best ways to begin sorting it all out is to think about which skills are necessary in order to perform a given expected behavior and which skills a student has not yet mastered. Ross Greene, child psychologist and author of the wonderfully helpful books Lost at School and The Explosive Child, offers a research-based approach to understanding and addressing challenging behaviors that is founded on the idea that “Kids do well if they can.” This approach is based on two basic tenets: (1) challenging behavior is a result of lagging skills in the areas of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving; and (2) the best way to address challenging behavior is to work collaboratively with the student to solve the problems that result in the behavior.

Screen Shot 2014-02-22 at 5.16.13 PMNow, while I highly recommend that you read Greene’s books and/or go see him speak, I know that the reality is that you probably just don’t have time right now and need a quick, down-and-dirty way to help figure out how to address challenging behaviors yesterday today. Well, guess what! Ross Greene, and his non-profit organization Lives in the Balance have just what you need – FOR FREE!

The Lives in the Balance website offers a wealth of resources for educators – an in-depth audio and video “tour” of the approach, easy-to-read summaries if you don’t have time for the full tour or just want to check things out, podcasts featuring staff from real schools talking about how they are implementing the approach, and forms that you can use to assess lagging skills and unsolved problems (ALSUP) and to develop a collaborative plan to address challenging behaviors (Problem Solving Plan). There’s even a helpful (and colorful) one-page guide to developing the Problem Solving Plan (Plan B Cheat Sheet). You can find all three of these resources – in 14 languages! – on the The Paperwork page.

Screen Shot 2014-02-22 at 3.51.29 PMCompleting an ALSUP is easy and straightforward and takes no more than 15-30 minutes. (The new 2012 version is even easier to use!) When I do one, I sit down with the classroom teacher and/or team and go through the checklist. When we check off a lagging skill, we then identify the specific unsolved problem that relates to it. For example, for the lagging skill “Difficulty shifting from original idea, plan, or solution” we might clarify the unsolved problem as  “Difficulty including others’ ideas when doing partner work.” If we end up with many lagging skills checked off (this happens frequently), we prioritize or group similar skills so that we have an idea of where to begin. Problem identified!

For me, once I’ve nailed down what the actual problem is, figuring out how to solve it is often the easier step. (Of course, going from the “how to” to the “actually solved” is a longer, often challenging process!) Depending on the situation, I may move on (with the teacher/team and student) to use the Problem Solving Plan, may develop a simple behavior plan (with the teacher/team), or I may use the information about the lagging skills to develop a group or individual intervention based on teaching the student the skills that are lagging. In some cases, completing the ALSUP might be an early step in the functional behavioral assessment process (one in which lagging skills as well as motivations are considered.) It can also help when a special education team is developing evaluation questions or when a student is brought up in the EST (Educational Support Team) process.

Screen Shot 2014-02-22 at 5.20.54 PMSo whether you’re stuck trying to figure out what to focus on in your individual or group counseling sessions, trying to help a teacher or team better understand and address student behavior, want to expand your own understanding of behavior through comprehensive (and free) professional development, or want good information to pass on to parents or school staff, I think you’ll find the ALSUP, Problem Solving Plan, and other resources at Lives in the Balance to be truly valuable.

Seriously, I cannot get over how amazing it is that these are so great and all so free! Here’s one way to tell that someone really, really cares about making things better for kids – he understands that the people on the front lines don’t always have the financial resources to purchase quality tools and offers them for free. Thank you, Ross Greene!!!

And now you’ll have a starting place for when you’ve got a staff member telling you that a kid is a disaster and that you just need to “fix everything.”  (I once had a principal who used to say, only half jokingly, “Just do that touchy-feely crap!” when asking me to see a kid.) They’ll still think you’re a miracle worker, just one with really good tools!  

You might also be interested in: 

Teaching Group Skills So You Can Teach Skills in a Group 

Post-It Note Counseling 

Helping Little Ones Understand Bullying 

Guerilla Planning 

Nightmare on Back to School Street





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